You’ve been Chopped.

I’m a huge fan of Chopped, discovered it while I was stuck in the hospital last year and have been watching it every night via streaming, working my way from the very first episode to, currently, 2018. So I’ve still got three years of episodes to go, which in Chopped years is closer to seven.

I’ve never come across anything like this, but after binge-watching continuously for the past year I feel qualified to present my list of Things To Never, Ever Do on Chopped.

Some of these items are the typical dealbreakers that send contestants home; others are just my personal irritants, like the mispronounced ingredients and bad fashion choices.

  1. Do not make polenta, ever. You will lose.
  2. Do not add any basket ingredient as a “garnish.” You fool nobody but yourself.
  3. Do not attempt a mole. In thirty minutes? Not happening, especially if Aaron Sanchez is judging.
  4. Do not serve undercooked pasta or pasta without salt, you absolute clown.
  5. NO TRUFFLE OIL. Stop it.
  6. It’s vinaigrette. Not vinegar-ette. It’s not small vinegar.
  7. It’s mascarpone, not MARSKA-pone.
  8. Raw red onions? Really? Have you watched the show, ever?
  9. Stop saying “I gotta bring my A game.”
  10. Stop saying “bragging rights.”
  11. Stop saying “I know my flavors are there.”
  12. Please stop saying “I’m leaving with my head held high.” YOU LOST.

There are numerous others, but these are the freshest wounds from tonight’s viewing. I may start writing these down so I can publish more cranky lists.

Oh! And please stop with the dumb hats. Who cooks in a hat? It’s a thousand degrees in that kitchen. How does a hat even stay on? I’m waiting for the episode when a stupid hat goes flying and catches fire, or falls into hot fat. Alex will not be pleased if this happens. Take that thing off! You don’t look cool!

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